Now THAT'S a weekend

I ventured into the world of matchmaking. Now, if any of you have ever tried this, you might realize that it can have some disastrous consequences. Including the friend you set up never letting you live down the fact her date wouldn't use a port-o-potty because a midget might pop out of it rather than simply saying "the line was too long." I don't know about you, but I think that is a fine selling point. You know, one of those things that makes you want to get hit by a bus.

So a couple weeks ago I was hanging out at my friend Bryan's place doing some drinking and playing some Grand Theft Auto 4, the combination of which is the only acceptable form of drinking and driving. Eventually the subject of relationships and his lack thereof arose and me being the person who is always up for creating the most awkward situations imaginable, decided to call up my friend Michelle and let them chat. Numbers were exchanged, but no phone calls were made for about a week. All hope seemed lost and again I was a matchmaking failure, though this time minus the toilet midget, which does speak of improvement.

But then something happened! Phone calls were made. Two hour phone calls, in fact. Soon, Bryan was on his way to Houston for the weekend in order to meet Michelle. What could go wrong, right?

Wait, nothing really did go wrong. After a few drinks, a good sports bar, and fun adventures around Clear Lake, we all ended up on Michelle's back porch where they eventually decided they were dating. They also decided that I was WAY too proud of myself for actually making a successful match. But really, can you blame me? When the best you've ever produced before involves a failed joke about a port-o-potty, you can be damn sure that I was going to be a little proud of myself.

But don't worry. I'm sure this was just my one. From now on I'm probably back to giving some of my best friends some of the most uncomfortable nights of their lives. At least we can laugh about it later, right?

What?

Yes, I am well aware my last post is 6 days shy of being exactly 11 months ago. I digress.

I'm currently sitting upstairs in the game room of my family's house in Houston begging the digital cable to produce something that I actually want to watch. I am fairly certain that sports center will start being a rerun for the rest of the night in a few minutes and there are only so many times I can watch the same sports highlights. Had you known me when I was ten, you would not believe this, as I was the girl watching the Weather Channel on loop constantly. For two years. It's amazing that the local temperature manages to stay constant over the course of ten minutes when the next local forecast comes on. And it's amazing it took me two years to figure this out. When they changed the formatting of the Local Forecast, I was devastated. It was like the Weather Channel dumped me for some fancy formatting with which I was unfamiliar. And I was left wondering where the barometric pressure had gone...

Here I am fourteen years later watching my second helping of Spurs highlights. And no, the outcome of the game will not magically change. But as I said, I am in Houston. While it is a huge city, it helps a lot to have the income to go out and have fun. And this is an income that I just don't have at the moment. SO, here I am, with sports center as my constant companion. There goes Tim Duncan. Again. In fact, I would probably be better off in bed. I'll do that...

View From the Fourth Floor

I realize it has been quite some time since I even attempted to write a post. In fact, for a few weeks, this place did not once cross my mind. In my defense, busy would not even be the right word to describe me since my last post. After returning from Easter break, I had a 20 page paper to somehow fake my way through and a recital to pull off without completely humiliating myself in front of 50 of my friends and my boyfriend, who had never heard me sing. Pressure anyone?

I'm happy to say it's all over.

I am in the illustrious city of Waco for the summer working as an academic mentor at Robinson Tower. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous starting this job. The thought of having to carry on a 15 minute conversation with people I barely knew was absolutely terrifying. I imagined long awkward pauses, completely insulting the students, making people cry, and lots of other horrible things that would make me want to vault myself out of the huge windows in my office without a second thought.

I'm very excited to tell you that this job is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have met so many very awesome people who will gladly sit and chat with me well over their 15 minute time slots. They all have different stories and are from different places, be it in Texas or out of state. I really have no idea whether them talking with me is having any effect on them and their studies whatsoever. I guess we find that out when their grades come in. But I have to say, Summer I has gone by so quickly and I can't believe it is almost time for Summer II. I love having an office where I get to watch traffic on I-35. And most importantly, I love doing something that doesnt have anything to do with music. I don't have to be in the music building, I don't have to see music people, and when I graduate next May, I'll have the opportunity to start my life in some other direction rather than feeling like I'm stuck with the major I chose when I was 18 and didn't think I was good at anything but breathing.

Did I mention I have a wonderful boyfriend that loves me too? I'm currently watching all the traffic go by on I-35 and thinking to myself how happy I've become and how the things that are wrong in my life just don't matter in the long run. I realize I can be a really depressive person, but when I think about it that way, anything I could be upset about just doesn't matter.

And I'm happy.

Happy Early Easter

Our A Cappella concert was the past Tuesday evening. One of the pieces we performed was the "Pilgrmis' Hymn" from the opera The Three Hermits. Since then, I have not been able to get the melody or the lyrics out of my head.

I'm not one to judge people or push my beliefs on anyone, but the poem that was set means something to me so I thought I would post it. Happy Easter everyone.


Even before we call on Your name
To ask You, O God,
When we seek for the words to glorify You,
You hear our prayer;
Unceasing love, O unceasing love,
Surpassing all we know.

Glory to the Father,
And to the Son,
And to the Holy Spirit.

Even with the darkness sealing us in,
We breathe Your name,
And through all the days that follow so fast,
We trust in You;
Endless Your grace, O endless Your grace,
Beyond all mortal dream.

Both now and for ever,
And unto ages and ages,
Amen.

-Michael Dennis Browne

A Feast of Lanterns

In spring
for sheer delight
I set the lanterns swinging through the trees, swinging,
Bright as the argosies of night,
That ride the clouded billows of the sky

Red dragons leap and plunge
in gold and silver seas.
And o,
o my garden,
gleaming fair, fair and white
Fairer than arogsies of night,
That ride the clouded billows of the sky

And o my garden
gleaming fair and white
You are fairer than all the argosies of night
You have out shone the far, faint moon on high
In spring!

Yuan Mei (1715-1797)

Nobody: a person of no importance, influence, or power

It has been over a month since my last post, but time has really flown by. Deadlines are approaching faster than I could have possibly imagined and the thought of having to perform my recital a month from tomorrow terrifies me. It would terrify you too if you were singing seven Russian songs, some of which are to be sung faster than I can even properly speak the text.

My 15-20 page research paper is also due a week from tomorrow. I have a neat pile of books and copied articles sitting by my desk begging me to look through them and come up with something to write. Anything at all. Instead, I choose to write here. What is wrong with me?

No really. What is wrong with me. I can't focus on anything. I want nothing to do with all the work that I have to do and with every day that passes, school feels more and more like a death sentence. Every time I even think about how excited I am to be able to get two degrees by May of 2008, I'm stricken with this horrible anxiety. I know in my heart that I should not go directly in to my PhD in order take some time and prove to myself that I can get a job and be able to take care of myself. But I also know what is expected of me. Sometimes I get this feeling that my entire life I've just been doing what has been expected of me, not what I truly wanted to do.

For me, change is a really difficult thing. I think I'm getting to this point in my life where if I don't decide to change and do things the way I feel is best for me, it will be too late. I don't really think you have any idea how hard this will be for me. Already, I have made one decision that has made me so very happy and it has been met with complete animosity. I know that I am going to make mistakes - hell, I have made plenty already. But I honestly believe that living for myself and what makes ME happy will be so much more rewarding than trying to continually live up to someone else's expectations for my life. Because when you live for someone else you lose part of who you are. And I don't want to look back twenty years from now and wish that I had done something different. I don't want to be nobody.

And right now, that's how I feel. I'm nobody.

A step up from Britney

I don't want to be insecure. That is the absolute last thing that I ever want to be. But the thing is, my mind can take one simple thing and transform it in to this whirlwind of thoughts that always end up with me dead, or just utterly alone.

I have not made the best decisions regarding my personal life - especially with respect to men. Each "relationship" (if you'd like to call them that) has left me just a little bit more damaged than the last and created a whole slew of problems for the current. I don't really think my current boyfriend really comprehends the extent of this damage. I can take a very simple thing, such as not getting to talk to him except for a couple sentences over the course of a couple days, and have him being just as horrible as the worst person I ever dated in a matter of seconds.

For the record, he's not. He treats me better than anyone ever has. My friends love him. I hate the fact that I can't be around him as much as I was last fall and I hate myself everytime I go on this insane trek through crazy town. But my "cut-and-run" defense mechanism always kicks in at the first sign of trouble. And its not like it is even a real "sign of trouble." Its more like I just can't shake my past and the outright fear of it continuing to repeat is overwhelming sometimes.

But really though, what am I complaining about. It could be worse, right?

Of course it could be. I could be Britney Spears.

You Can't Catch Crazy

I'm walking the fine line between not being motivated and being completely depressed. The problem is I think a lack of motivation is a symptom of being depressed so at this point I think the fine line disappears into a giant black hole that takes my mind to places that it doesn't want to go.

Or maybe my mind does want to go to the darkest places I can imagine. I realize how well put-together I look on the outside. For the past few weeks I was riding this incredible high - hell I was even listening to *gasp* country music! And not the depressing "my wife left me and my dog got run over" kind. The genuinely happy country music that has the ability to leave you in such a good mood.

I realized last night that all of this is going to come crashing down around me. And when I realized that - when I realized that it feels like groundhog day and that I'm stuck in some sick joke where I'm constantly the punchline - all I can say is that I haven't felt so worthless in a long time.

I'm sure the vodka didn't help either.

Great timing

Monday Night RAW wrapped up a little over an hour ago. Since then? I've been staring at my review sheet willing it to fill out itself. So far, it hasnt worked. And that makes me really sad.

Why?

Becuase I'm all set to have a really great weekend and then some. And I have a test on Monday.

This test was supposed to be this week, but since we had the ice day a couple weeks ago this test is now Monday. Right in the middle of all the fun. And that just sucks.

I realize this means nothing to you. But dammit, when you procrastinate as much as I do, this is not good.

Not good at all.

What comes is better than what came before

Songs become part of our history - quite similar to old relationships long since lost. In the beginning, you can't quite get enough of a particular new song. The lyrics paint a vivid picture of every emotion you're feeling, and the music reaches you like nothing else ever has.

But this new feeling slowly fades until you no longer listen to your new favorite song quite as much as you used to. The lyrics, while still meaningful, describe emotions you have felt for so long that you have become numb to them. The magic is gone.

It will be maybe months, even years, before you listen to this song again. And when you do, it will be a bittersweet memory, reminding you of feelings you may or may not want to forget. But it is part of your history - forever linked to you in some way that no one else can possibly understand. You will never hear the song in any other way.

This is why tonight, I'm lost in my memories.

Your first time is never easy...

Hi. I created this blog approximately two weeks ago. However, as soon as opened this little box to expose my insanity to the rest of the world, I suddenly found myself at a loss for words. Funny how that works.

I'm a repeat offender when it comes to blogging. If you tried, I'm sure you could scrounge up several old and discarded blogs of mine floating out in the cyber vortx. I say that because I don't want to actively look for them as it would remind me of a time when my biggest problem seemed to be finding a date to prom. And I think I would rather jump out of a moving vehicle than relive high school hell.

That being said, sometimes I would rather jump out of a moving vehicle just for fun. Now that's some adventure for you.

I'm really not sure what the hell I'm doing when it comes to this (this and about everything else in my life) so bear with me as I figure it out. Twenty years from now I'm sure I'll be happy to change the title to "Confessions of a Mid-Life Crisis."

And that is a scary thought.