A step up from Britney

I don't want to be insecure. That is the absolute last thing that I ever want to be. But the thing is, my mind can take one simple thing and transform it in to this whirlwind of thoughts that always end up with me dead, or just utterly alone.

I have not made the best decisions regarding my personal life - especially with respect to men. Each "relationship" (if you'd like to call them that) has left me just a little bit more damaged than the last and created a whole slew of problems for the current. I don't really think my current boyfriend really comprehends the extent of this damage. I can take a very simple thing, such as not getting to talk to him except for a couple sentences over the course of a couple days, and have him being just as horrible as the worst person I ever dated in a matter of seconds.

For the record, he's not. He treats me better than anyone ever has. My friends love him. I hate the fact that I can't be around him as much as I was last fall and I hate myself everytime I go on this insane trek through crazy town. But my "cut-and-run" defense mechanism always kicks in at the first sign of trouble. And its not like it is even a real "sign of trouble." Its more like I just can't shake my past and the outright fear of it continuing to repeat is overwhelming sometimes.

But really though, what am I complaining about. It could be worse, right?

Of course it could be. I could be Britney Spears.

You Can't Catch Crazy

I'm walking the fine line between not being motivated and being completely depressed. The problem is I think a lack of motivation is a symptom of being depressed so at this point I think the fine line disappears into a giant black hole that takes my mind to places that it doesn't want to go.

Or maybe my mind does want to go to the darkest places I can imagine. I realize how well put-together I look on the outside. For the past few weeks I was riding this incredible high - hell I was even listening to *gasp* country music! And not the depressing "my wife left me and my dog got run over" kind. The genuinely happy country music that has the ability to leave you in such a good mood.

I realized last night that all of this is going to come crashing down around me. And when I realized that - when I realized that it feels like groundhog day and that I'm stuck in some sick joke where I'm constantly the punchline - all I can say is that I haven't felt so worthless in a long time.

I'm sure the vodka didn't help either.