It has been over a month since my last post, but time has really flown by. Deadlines are approaching faster than I could have possibly imagined and the thought of having to perform my recital a month from tomorrow terrifies me. It would terrify you too if you were singing seven Russian songs, some of which are to be sung faster than I can even properly speak the text.
My 15-20 page research paper is also due a week from tomorrow. I have a neat pile of books and copied articles sitting by my desk begging me to look through them and come up with something to write. Anything at all. Instead, I choose to write here. What is wrong with me?
No really. What is wrong with me. I can't focus on anything. I want nothing to do with all the work that I have to do and with every day that passes, school feels more and more like a death sentence. Every time I even think about how excited I am to be able to get two degrees by May of 2008, I'm stricken with this horrible anxiety. I know in my heart that I should not go directly in to my PhD in order take some time and prove to myself that I can get a job and be able to take care of myself. But I also know what is expected of me. Sometimes I get this feeling that my entire life I've just been doing what has been expected of me, not what I truly wanted to do.
For me, change is a really difficult thing. I think I'm getting to this point in my life where if I don't decide to change and do things the way I feel is best for me, it will be too late. I don't really think you have any idea how hard this will be for me. Already, I have made one decision that has made me so very happy and it has been met with complete animosity. I know that I am going to make mistakes - hell, I have made plenty already. But I honestly believe that living for myself and what makes ME happy will be so much more rewarding than trying to continually live up to someone else's expectations for my life. Because when you live for someone else you lose part of who you are. And I don't want to look back twenty years from now and wish that I had done something different. I don't want to be nobody.
And right now, that's how I feel. I'm nobody.
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